Those Advice from My Parent That Rescued Us as a First-Time Parent

"I believe I was simply just surviving for a year."

One-time reality TV personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the demands of fatherhood.

However the truth soon became "very different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health issues during the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was forced into acting as her main carer in addition to caring for their infant son Leo.

"I handled every night time, every change… every stroll. The job of both parents," Ryan stated.

Following 11 months he reached burnout. That was when a chat with his parent, on a public seat, that made him realise he required support.

The direct phrases "You aren't in a healthy space. You must get some help. How can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His story is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. While the public is now more comfortable talking about the stress on mothers and about post-natal depression, less is said about the struggles new fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan believes his struggles are linked to a larger reluctance to talk among men, who often internalise negative perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall every time."

"It's not a sign of being weak to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to accept they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not justified to be requesting help" - particularly in front of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the opportunity to take a respite - spending a couple of days abroad, outside of the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He came to see he required a shift to focus on his and his partner's emotions as well as the practical tasks of looking after a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

'Parenting yourself

That epiphany has changed how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked reliable male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences caused his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says repressing feelings led him to make "terrible decisions" when younger to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt.

"You find your way to behaviours that aren't helpful," he says. "They can short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Managing as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, confide in a friend, your partner or a counsellor about your state of mind. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - continue with the pursuits that helped you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Look after the physical health - eating well, staying active and when you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is doing.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - listening to their experiences, the messy ones, and also the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help isn't failing - looking after your own well-being is the most effective way you can care for your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the death, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead give the security and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - expressing the feelings safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they confronted their issues, transformed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I said, at times I think my role is to teach and advise you on life, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am discovering as much as you are in this journey."